I love the stage before
The half hour.
The work lights,
An actor centering down,
The bizness of theatre
Bleeding in from the lobby.
But
Just sitting in the house.
The quiet is so full of
Potential
Possibilities
And
Promise.
All that peace.
And I sit
Breathing it all in

I hope
That this birthday of yours
The start of your year ahead
Is a gentle kiss
A light caress along your spine
A sweet whisper
A warm smile
A late night sourier
A long glass of wine
A subtle nuance
A slow, slowing dance
A sudden laugh
A perk 
A surprise
A delight
A challenge
A firecracker
A gift.

You deserve a year
Of new,
Of exciting
And
Of pleasure.

It's out in the universe now
That application of mine
Thank you for doing that for me
I really appreciate it

There

I hope you arrived

Safe and sound

I have a terrible time with time zones

Not knowing where people are and at what time

I think it’s evening where you are

Not that it matters

You won’t read this for another week

Probably.

Anyway...I was thinking of you in the air

I was thinking of you loading and unloading off of the plane

I was thinking of you seeing the country side for the first time this trip

How maybe certain colors and textures caught your eye

As if seeing it for the first time.

Or

Perhaps

You were simply asleep

Eyes closed tight

Infusing your mind, heart and soul

Your blood, guts and bones

With dreams and visions still.

I hope you are safe

I hope you are merry

I hope you are warm

I hope you are drunk

I hope you take a moment

One of those first moments that can only be associated with arriving

And breathe it in

For me.

I remember one very specific afternoon....during the summer we first let our hearts (and our bodies) explore this love. We had been on the phone together and my battery ran out of juice. I jumped off the streetcar, scouring the area for somewhere to charge my phone. It was hot – the middle of summer. I was in a state of madness. I was sweating, throwing off layer after layer, panting heavily, trying to keep all of my belongings together, searching for a place to charge my phone...so I could hear your voice. To lookers on, I imagine I seemed crazed. The type of woman you whole heartily avoid when walking down the street.

Finally, I came to the library at the corner of Broadview and Gerrard. They had an outlet in the lobby. My hands shook as I plugged my phone in and waited for it to charge enough so I could call you back.

I did. And once I got you on the phone... you told me you couldn’t talk. You were no longer alone...and I knew what that meant.

You hung up...and I sat. I looked at the phone in my tiny hand...and began to weep. I was overcome...by the heat...by my desperation...by my yearning...by this force that had taken over my life...by my heart. In everything that has happened to me since, I remember that moment...me sitting in the lobby on the floor...crying uncontrollably...I rememebr it as one of the loneliest and most terrifying moments of my life.

When I got home, the e-mail below was waiting for me. I have re-read this message countless times since then. It is sitting in an e-mail inbox along with its brothers and sisters (a holding place for messages that we have written one another). I remembered your words again today, as they have rang in my ear many times before...

”my love it is as hard on me as you.”

After everything that has been said between us...after everything we have experienced...and felt...truly, I know there are no words for today...for this. I am not going to pretend that there are. Your words below are what I have to offer.

That and...

You will always have my heart.

>

>

>

>

> I am quite compressed for time and I do not know when you will read

> this but I needed to let you know just how much I do care and love you.

> I know this has been hard. It breaks me a little bit everytime you need

> to vent or lash out. I do understand the necessity and the whys but my

> love it is as hard on me as you. I don't know if you will ever be able

> to understand or know how much I care for you. How your delight and

> happiness are things that that I want to encourage.

> I feel like I have let you down and in doing so I have caused nothing

> but pain where I only wanted joy.

> I do not know where to turn but wherever that is it must be in a

> direction that will be the best for you. You bring such delight and

> pleasure and laughter to my life. It is a drug that I find so hard to

> forego. I miss you and I cannot wait to see you.

this rough beast that is our love
lurches through us still
the rasping fur scrapes us
clean
scouring the tissue of our care
the muscles of our hearts
the blood of our desires
reconfiguring the soul's landscape

but this beast is never satisfied
never stops to rest
never pauses to let heal
never sleeps so we may just exhale
never breaks from our chains of of never touching
never kissing
never feeling the rasp of our skin against each other
never the tastes of our bodies melding into one sweet smell
never the cries
never the warm curving together
never the wetness of acceptance and desire
never

This rough trampling beast that is now our love
wears us like skin
and we are too defeated
to kill it
or
set it free

Her hair

Blowing side to side as she whizzes around the corner

Reminds me of you.

Your leather skin

You smile fading, day by day

Your long, lean fingers

The need to please you...

I had such a need...

For you to think you made the right choice

For you to think that I was right

A right fit

The right fit

That I was worthy of your magic.

How I wanted your love

Your approval

Your pride

A pride

That the motherly touch with you kept

So finely pressed between your finger tips

A small secret

That I so desperately wanted you to whisper in my ear

A secret I wanted to know

A secret I wanted to swallow and

Let grow in my stomach.

The knowing that you were never mine

No matter how hard I tried to hold you

And the knowing

That no matter what

I was never yours

And that you preferred to keep it that way.

I would look for reasons to visit you

As if you would reveal something

I didn’t know about myself.

As if you would transport my very being

Right there and then

In your office

As if I would change myself only for you to change me back.

Was I simply a number?

Another box of potential that you has wrapped?

Did you think about me?

Outside the walls in which we knew each other.

Did I do something to please you?

To delight you?

Would you remember my face

And that needy tone

And the desperation to be seen and heard

By you.

I wanted you.

I need you.

I needed you to need me.

To wrap me in your cloak

To tell me I would be alright

I needed you to think I was special

That I was the one

The one and only one

For you.

And now...

The thought of you ads a shade of gold

On this dark and dreary day.

As I think of my youth

Now buried in a sacred place

I hope

And dream

That you will lead me by the hand

And show me to its burial ground

So I can dig through

Memories and dreams

To find that person

I used to know.

I hope that when we meet

I appear as woman would

And not the child I once was

When first our eyes had met.