I remember one very specific afternoon....during the summer we first let our hearts (and our bodies) explore this love. We had been on the phone together and my battery ran out of juice. I jumped off the streetcar, scouring the area for somewhere to charge my phone. It was hot – the middle of summer. I was in a state of madness. I was sweating, throwing off layer after layer, panting heavily, trying to keep all of my belongings together, searching for a place to charge my phone...so I could hear your voice. To lookers on, I imagine I seemed crazed. The type of woman you whole heartily avoid when walking down the street.

Finally, I came to the library at the corner of Broadview and Gerrard. They had an outlet in the lobby. My hands shook as I plugged my phone in and waited for it to charge enough so I could call you back.

I did. And once I got you on the phone... you told me you couldn’t talk. You were no longer alone...and I knew what that meant.

You hung up...and I sat. I looked at the phone in my tiny hand...and began to weep. I was overcome...by the heat...by my desperation...by my yearning...by this force that had taken over my life...by my heart. In everything that has happened to me since, I remember that moment...me sitting in the lobby on the floor...crying uncontrollably...I rememebr it as one of the loneliest and most terrifying moments of my life.

When I got home, the e-mail below was waiting for me. I have re-read this message countless times since then. It is sitting in an e-mail inbox along with its brothers and sisters (a holding place for messages that we have written one another). I remembered your words again today, as they have rang in my ear many times before...

”my love it is as hard on me as you.”

After everything that has been said between us...after everything we have experienced...and felt...truly, I know there are no words for today...for this. I am not going to pretend that there are. Your words below are what I have to offer.

That and...

You will always have my heart.

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> I am quite compressed for time and I do not know when you will read

> this but I needed to let you know just how much I do care and love you.

> I know this has been hard. It breaks me a little bit everytime you need

> to vent or lash out. I do understand the necessity and the whys but my

> love it is as hard on me as you. I don't know if you will ever be able

> to understand or know how much I care for you. How your delight and

> happiness are things that that I want to encourage.

> I feel like I have let you down and in doing so I have caused nothing

> but pain where I only wanted joy.

> I do not know where to turn but wherever that is it must be in a

> direction that will be the best for you. You bring such delight and

> pleasure and laughter to my life. It is a drug that I find so hard to

> forego. I miss you and I cannot wait to see you.